I worry a lot.
Maybe cause I am Jewish. Maybe cause I am mother. Maybe cause I am a Jewish mother.
I worry about a million little things. And then I worry about the big things. I worry about people I love, and even about the people that piss me off. Running a nonprofit is putting yourself in a perpetual state of worry. Will I find funding? Should this person be on my board? How will we pay for this amazing office? The stupid name “nonprofit” is worrisome. “I work for a nonprofit.” And then I wonder why I don’t make profit!!
I was particularly worried today about my girls in juvie. Will I be allowed to give them a treat for Valentine’s Day? I so want to give them some love.
We are starting to film. Will it be OK? Will the girls be ok ? Will the cinematographer be ok? Will? Will? Will? How will I? What will I? When will I?
Oh my god.
To be honest I have been worried all week. If last week was a hard Mommy week, this week was a super hard work week. Lots of “Sorry, no.” A few “We can’t.” Altogether too many “You need to wait.” I am really beyond worried at this point.
Then today came. And they let me give the love. I brought donuts and drinks to the girls.
My handsome, sexy, looks-like-Bruno-Mars cinematographer (that in itself was reason for extra worry this week) ended up being gentle and beyond amazing. The girls and I both fell in love. He was perfect, non-intrusive and kind. My assistant as usual was marvelous. She makes sure things go smoothly. She is my extra set of eyes, and the girls in the program love her cause she is young and just all together hip!
The girls were into the camera. They talked to the camera. They were not intimidated by the camera. They were honest, candid, and I could finally smile.
This movie is on its way. Even the not so nice probation officer was nice.
What’s going on? I think. One girl gets pissed at something and says, “I’m leaving." I ask her to come help me hand out the snacks. She does and stays!
We ask the girls to tell us what the best relationship they can imagine looks like. They write:
The best relationship I can imagine is when you cherish each other
When there is respect .
When you feel like you can not be replaced .
When you feel beautiful !
I read what they wrote. Ok, maybe I can stop worrying? Or at least worry a little less. On my drive home, I laugh with the friend who held many of my worry tears this week. I put on the radio and think of my clown days (yes for those of you who don’t know, I am a retired professional clown).
The only way you can master crazy skills like stilt walking, tight rope walking, and juggling fire (yes, I used to do them all) is to focus, look forward, never down. Not to worry, just to do, be and have conviction. When you walk through the fire, no matter how hot it gets, you must remember that it will cool off when you get to the other side.
I walk in the door of my house; the roses on the table have opened up. The table is set –dinner is ready. I think my family knew that my doubts and concerns this week hit a new high.
I pause the worry. I pause and indulge in some red wine. I watch some silly TV. I look forward, not down, not around.
I exhale and know that we worry when we care. We worry when it is important. We worry when we don’t have control. Sometimes we worry, and it truly is irrational.
And then, when we least expect it, or when we expect the worse, it all falls into place. People say, “See you shouldn’t have worried." But I believe, that actually we should worry. Not out of control, crazy worry, but worry that is out of precaution, out of care. Because then, the good things happen actually BECAUSE we took the time to bother, to worry.
So take the time to worry. Take the trouble, do not brush it off. Put yourself out there a little for someone else. Worry about the good.
You will be surprised what can happen.
And then? Well then, have some wine.